Topical jokes and jokes about the news. Most recent first…
The Philae spacecraft lands on Comet 67P, travelling at nearly 40,000mph
I once flicked a pair of pants off my big toe and they landed directly on my wife’s face, but yeah, landing on a comet is also impressive. topical
Simulate guiding a probe 300 million miles and landing it on a comet by getting a straw in a Capri Sun on the first attempt. topical
Peter Capaldi announced as the new Doctor Who.
Friction between Britain and Spain over border controls at Gibraltar.
I agree with people who are saying that Peter Capaldi is too old to play Doctor Who, a thousand-year-old fictional character. topical
Ex-spy, Edward Snowden lodges asylum requests with 21 different countries, while sheltering in Moscow airport.
Andy Murray wins the mens singles final at Wimbledon.
UK government announces a proposal to ban packed lunches from schools, saying that all children should have school dinners.
Charles “Chuck” Foley, the inventor of Twister, has died.
A royal baby has been born to the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge – 3rd in line to the British throne.
If Snowden wants to evade capture by the Americans he should seek asylum in Wales. They have no idea where it is. topical
A chill descends upon Ed Snowden, as he realises he has now tried every type of panini available in the Moscow airport transit zone. topical
At this rate Snowden’s going to have to apply for asylum in Narnia. topical
I had thought of a spoonerism about this school meals story, but it lacked punch. topical
The guy who invented Twister died this week. Fitting him into the coffin took 27 spins. topical
Congratulations to Kate Middleton, who will now presumably not be beheaded. topical
All this royal baby nonsense will be forgotten about on Tuesday.
Heir today, gone tomorrow. topical
Singer Tulisa is arrested on suspicion of dealing in class A drugs.
Kim Kardashian and Kanye West name their baby daughter “North West”!
I think Kim and Kanye’s baby North West will go straight to the top. And a bit to the left. topical
David Beckham announces his retirement from professional football.
Hi guys, does anyone have a video of Beckham scoring from the half way line? I know it’s a long shot. topical
Kim Jong-un of North Korea throws his weight around and threatens to fire nuclear weapons at all and sundry.
Boy band, JLS, announce that they are to split after the current tour.
Announcement that a picture of Sir Winston Churchill is to appear on the £5 note.
If Kim Jong-un wants to nuke someone, can I suggest he starts with his hairdresser. topical
Have you seen the likeness of Churchill on the new £5 note? It’s close, but no cigar. topical
Venezuelan president, Hugo Chávez, has died.
Conclave elects the new pope.
NASA unable to say for sure whether or not Voyager 1 has left the solar system.
In honour of the passing of Hugo Chávez, I have had his initials inscribed onto my bathroom taps. topical
Although Hugo Chávez has died, he’s still projected to win the next 3 Venezuelan elections. topical
Quietening down now at the conclave, although a few moments ago there was the sound of a dropped tray followed by jeering. topical
Pope Francis is expected to bring the church into the 18th century. topical
Oscar Pistorius arrested and charged with the murder of his girlfriend.
UK credit rating downgraded by ratings agency Moodys.
Traces of horse DNA found in meatballs in Ikea.
Nike confirms suspension of contract with Oscar Pistorius shortly before drunken “Will you take me back?” text to Lance Armstrong. topical
Breaking financial news, Winnie the Pooh creator AAA Milne has been downgraded to AA Milne. topical
There’s new embarrassment for David Cameron as Britain’s credit status is downgraded from AAA to LOL. topical
Sad that the UK’s eBay feedback has been downgraded to “AA1. Very fast payer. Recommended!!!” topical
Ikea speaks out on traces of horse meat in their meatballs, but their story isn’t fitting together properly as some key parts are missing. topical
Ikea found horse in some of its Swedish meatballs. Or as they call it, Klippklöppen. topical
These were all topical jokes at the time they were posted, but most are well out of date and some may refer to events you’ve forgotten about. Ah well – they probably weren’t important anyway.
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