Tim Vine Jokes

The best Tim Vine jokes, quotes, puns, tweets and one-liners.

Tim Vine

Tim Vine

Stand-up comedian and actor



So this bloke said to me “Tim, do you know Marie Osmond is about to appear in the world’s worst film?” I said “Warner Brothers?” He said “I already have!”celebritypuns


So I went to the dentist. He said, “Say aaah.” I said, “Why?” He said, “My dog’s died.”animalsmedical


Black Beauty. Now there’s a dark horse!animalspuns


I was working in a department store and this couple came in. They said, “We want to buy some Christmas presents. When are your opening hours?” I said, “I’m not opening yours, I’m opening mine!”christmas


My girlfriend is covered from head to toe in grass. Her name’s Lorna.girlfriendspuns


I just got a great job helping a one arm typist when she wants to do capital letters. It’s shift work.jobspuns


This bloke said to me, “Tim, as a young boy, was your mother very strict with you?” I said, “Let me make one thing absolutely clear. My mother was never a young boy.”misc


I took part in the sun-tanning Olympics. I got bronze.sport


conjunctivitis.com – that’s a site for sore eyes.medicalpuns


I went to the doctor and he said, “You’ve got hypochondria.” I said, “Not that as well!”medical


I went to the doctor. I said to him: “I’m frightened of lapels.” He said: “You’ve got cholera.”medicalpuns


It’s strange isn’t it, you stand in a library and go “Aaaaaargh” and everyone stares at you. Do the same thing on an aeroplane and everyone joins in.observational


I had a dream last night. This voice said, “On your marks, get set, go!” and I woke up with a start.puns


One-armed butlers. They can take it but they can’t dish it out.surreal


Do you ever get that when you’re halfway through eating a horse and you think to yourself, “I’m not as hungry as I thought I was.”surreal


So I was working in a health food shop. This bloke walked in and said “Evening primrose oil.” I said “Mr Vine to you!” He said “Soya chunks?” I said “You shouldn’t have been looking.”puns


A friend of mine always wanted to be run over by a steam train. When it happened, he was chuffed to bits.puns


So I saw this bloke playing Dancing Queen on a didgeridoo. I thought, “That’s ABBA-riginal.”puns


Last night I dreamt I was the author of Lord of the Rings. I was Tolkien in my sleep.puns


I saw Schindler’s List, and the bloke behind me started wailing. I got hit on the back of the head with a harpoon.puns


Exit signs. They’re on the way out aren’t they?puns


The advantage of easy origami is twofold…puns


Velcro, what a rip off!puns


I’ve decided to sell my Hoover. Well it was just collecting dust.puns


So I was getting into my car and this bloke says to me: “Can you give me a lift?” I said: “Sure, you look great, the world’s your oyster, go for it.”puns


Somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said “Parking Fine”. So that was nice.puns


Burglars are getting very clever now, aren’t they? I was in bed last night – my wife woke me up “Darling wake up, I think there’s a burglar downstairs. Can you go and check?” So I got out of bed, I went downstairs and I checked in every room. There was nobody there. And then suddenly I remembered – I haven’t got a wife! So I dashed back upstairs but it was too late – the bed had gone.misc


So I went to buy a watch and the man in the shop said, “Analogue?” I said, “No, just a watch.”puns


Advent calendars – their days are numbered!christmaspuns


I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah. I thought, “He’s trying to pull a fast one.”animalspuns


So I went into a pet shop. I said, “Can I buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?” I said, “I don’t care what star sign it is.”animalspuns


This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, “I want you to trace someone for me!”puns


I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, “How flexible are you?” I said, “I can’t make Tuesdays.”punssport


I was having dinner with my boss and his wife and she said to me, “How many potatoes would you like Tim?” I said, “Ooh I’ll just have one please.” She said, “It’s OK, you don’t have to be polite.” “Alright” I said, “I’ll just have one then, you stupid cow!”misc


I went to the record shop and I said, “What have you got by The Doors?” He said, “A bucket of sand and a fire blanket.”puns


This bloke said to me, “I’m going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library.” I thought, “That’s a turn up for the books.”puns


This bloke said to me, “I’m going to attack you with the neck of a guitar.” I said, “Is that a fret?”word play


I saw Arnold Schwarzenegger eating a chocolate egg. I said, “I bet I know what your favourite Christian festival is.” He said, “You have to love Easter, baby.”celebrityeasterword play


Tim Vine Books

The Tim Vine Bumper Book of Silliness

The (Not Quite) Biggest Ever Tim Vine Joke Book: Children’s Edition

The Biggest Ever Tim Vine Joke Book

Tim Vine DVDs

Tim Vine – Jokeamotive

Tim Vine – Punslinger Live

Tim Vine – Live – So I Said To This Bloke

More Jokes…

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