Stewart Francis Jokes

The best Stewart Francis jokes, quotes, tweets and one-liners.

Stewart Francis

Name
Stewart Francis

Profession
Stand-up comedian

Nationality
Canadian

Links
stewartfrancis.com
@StewartFrancis1

You know who give kids a bad name? Posh and Becks.celebrity

 

My wife and I have decided we don’t want children. If anybody does, we can drop them off tomorrow.family

 

We have a little girl who we named after my mom. In fact Passive Agressive Psycho turns 5 tomorrow.family

 

Through no fault of his own my uncle crashed his car into a lemon tree. He is still bitter and twisted.familypuns

 

I am the youngest of three. Both my parents are older.familyobservational

 

I used to be a plastic surgeon, which raised a few eyebrows.jobsmedicalpuns

 

I’d like to dedicate this to my father, who was a roofer. So Dad, if you’re up there…jobsword play

 

At school the other kids used to push me around and call me lazy. I loved that wheelchair.misc

 

Is my wife dissatisfied with my body? A tiny part of me says yes.punswife

 

I was standing in the park thinking why does a frisby appear larger the closer it gets, and then it hit me.puns

 

I used to be a mime. It’s only now I can talk about it.jobs

 

Money wise I’m set for life – provided I die next Tuesday.misc

 

I quit my job at the helium gas factory. I refused to be spoken to in that tone.jobs

 

My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance – We’ll see about that!misc

 

I don’t think I got the job at Microsoft. They haven’t responded to my telegram.jobs

 

Unfortunately for agoraphobics the cure is just around the corner.medical

 

Ladies, I wasn’t circumcised, I was circumnavigated.sex

 

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