Steven Wright Jokes

The best Steven Wright jokes, quotes, tweets and one-liners.

Steven Wright

Steven Wright

Iconic one-liner stand-up comedian



I spilled spot remover on my dog. He’s gone now.animalspuns


Whenever I see a dalmatian I say, “What number are you?”animals


Whenever I think about the past it just brings back so many memories.misc


It doesn’t matter what temperature a room is, it’s always room temperature.observational


A friend of mine does voodoo acupuncture. You don’t have to go.surreal


Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.surreal


If you shoot a mime, should you use a silencer?surreal


One time I stayed in a hotel, the pool was on the 23rd floor. I couldn’t believe how deep it was.surreal


I’m staying in an old hotel. They sent me a wake up letter.surreal


It’s hard for me to buy clothes ‘cos I’m not my size.surreal


Sponges grow in the ocean. That kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn’t happen.surreal


What’s another word for thesaurus?word play


I walked up to a tourist information booth. I said, “So, tell me about some people who were here last year.”word play


I got food poisoning today. I don’t know when I’m gonna use it.puns


I saw a bank that said, “24 Hour Banking” But I don’t have that much time.misc


You never know what you have until it’s gone. I wanted to know what I had, so I got rid of everything.surreal


I was driving down the street 100mph for no reason. The police stopped me for speeding. They said, “Why were you going so fast?” I said, “Why? I had my foot to the floor. It sends more gas through the carburettor – makes the engine go faster. The whole car just takes off like that.”misc


My grandfather was a small claims court jester.jobsold peoplesurreal


One time my grandmother said, “Steven come over here. Here’s $5 and don’t tell your mother I’m giving this to you.” I said, “It’ll cost you more than that!”old people


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