Mitch Hedberg Jokes

The best Mitch Hedberg jokes, quotes and one-liners.

Mitch Hedberg

Mitch Hedberg

Master of the short joke and surreal afterthought



I got a parrot; the parrot talked. But it did not say, “I’m hungry.” So it died.animalssurreal


I find that a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced over whether or not I have bread.animals


Dogs are forever in the push-up position.animals


I don’t have a girlfriend – I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.girlfriends


I was home last week. I heard a gunshot outside my apartment, then I saw 2 guys run by my window. I was going to call the police, but then I got optimistic – I said, “Hey, maybe it’s just a race.”misc


I like to play blackjack. I’m not addicted to gambling – I’m addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.misc


I went to buy a candle-holder but the store didn’t have one. So I got a cake.misc


I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, “Dude, you have to wait!”misc


The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how much I play, I’ll never be as good as a wall. I played a wall once. They’re


I went to the doctor. All he did was suck blood from my neck. Do not go see Dr. Acula.medical


When someone tries to hand me out a flyer it’s kind of like saying “Here, you throw this away.”observational


One time, a guy handed me a picture. He said, “Here’s a picture of me when I was younger.” Every picture is of you when you were younger!observational


I like an escalator, because an escalator cannot break – it can only become stairs. There will never be an “Escalator temporarily out of order” sign; only an “Escalator temporarily stairs – sorry for the convenience.”observational


I think Big Foot is blurry – that’s the problem. It’s not the photographer’s fault.surreal


I would imagine if you can understand morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.surreal


My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.surreal


I haven’t slept for 10 days, because that would be too long.word play