Latest Jokes

The latest jokes to make you laugh. More of the latest funny jokes are added here every day…

The doctor says to this fella, “I’ve got bad news and worse news.” He says, “Oh give me the bad news.” He says, “You’ve got 24 hours to live.” “What’s the worse news?” “I forgot to call you yesterday.”medical

Larry The Cable Guy

I’ve just bought the thickest moisturiser in the world. To be honest it still hasn’t sunk in yet.puns

Gary Delaney

A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day. She said, “Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?” I said, “All right, but we won’t get much done.”misc

Jimmy Carr

My biggest disappointment in Friends was when Joey’s mum turned up and she wasn’t a kangaroo.misc

@NickMotown

I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away.medical

George Carlin

I live by the busiest road in London, which is very polluted. I took up smoking recently and my cough got better.misc

Richard Ayoade

Two aerials on a roof fell in love and got married. The wedding wasn’t great but the reception was fantastic.puns

Jimeoin

Nobody thought Mel Gibson could play a Scot but look at him now. Alcoholic AND racist!celebritycountries

Frankie Boyle

Most of us have a skeleton in the cupboard. David Beckham takes his out in public.celebrity

Andrew Lawrence

As a kid I was made to walk the plank. We couldn’t afford a dog.animals

Gary Delaney

I saw a dog in a cage. And that cage had a sign on it that said, “I bite.” And I was like, “That is good to know doggy, but that’s not the most important thing about you. You should make a sign that says, “I make signs.”animals

Doug Benson

The only legitimate reason for smoking an electronic cigarette is if you are a robot that has just had sex with another robot.surrealsex

Lloyd Langford

Next up on Channel 5. A woman has a painful wrist in RSI Miami.medical

Josh Widdecombe

No one knows what’s next, but everybody does it.observational

George Carlin

Soft rock music isn’t rock, and it ain’t music. It’s just soft.misc

George Carlin

I don’t like country music, but I don’t mean to denigrate those who do. And for the people who like country music, denigrate means “put down”.misc

Bob Newhart

When you meet somebody for the first time, you’re not meeting them. You’re meeting their representative.misc

Chris Rock

Have you ever noticed that the lawyer always smiles more than the client?observational

George Carlin

American stupid people sound stupider than every other kind of stupid person.countries

Dylan Moran

I used to be a lifeguard until some blue kid got me fired.jobs

Larry The Cable Guy

Ladies, I wasn’t circumcised, I was circumnavigated.sex

Stewart Francis

Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it.surreal

George Carlin

Unfortunately for agoraphobics the cure is just around the corner.medical

Stewart Francis

Americans don’t have beliefs, they have bumper stickers.countries

Rich Hall

A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.misc

George Carlin

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Some are also tweeted from my @PremierJokes Twitter account.