Jokes About Old People

Jokes about old people are great. Be as rude as you like, they’ll have forgotten by tomorrow!

She was great, my nan. She used to say “Here’s 5 pounds, don’t tell your mother.” I’d say “Why not?” She’d say “It’s hers!”familyold people

Lee Mack

My grandmother was beaten to death by my grandfather. I don’t mean like that! It’s just that he died first.familyold people

Alex Horne

Grandad asked me how to print on his new computer. I said, “Just Control-P” He said, “I haven’t been able to do that for years.”familyold people

Gary Delaney

My nan’s hands were so soft. She once caught a bubble and her hand burst.old peoplesurreal

Noel Fielding

My elderly neighbour is really lazy. She hasn’t brought her milk in for nearly two weeks.old people

Frank Skinner

My parents want to retire somewhere hot and expensive. So I’m putting them in a care home.old people


I worry about my grandmother. If she’s in the house alone and she falls, does she make a sound?old people

Jimmy Carr

I like to play chess with old men in the park. Of course, the tough part about playing chess with old men in the park is finding 32 of them.old people

Emo Philips

I went to see Walt Disney on Ice. Bit disappointing – just an old bloke in a freezer.old people

Gary Delaney

It’s thanks to the efforts of men like my grandad that we don’t speak German today, ‘cos he singlehandedly killed 11 language teachers.old people

Gary Delaney

I don’t even know how old my grandparents are but I know they should be dead. And trust me they don’t want to be alive either – there’s not a welcome mat at their front unit… there’s a “Do Not Resuscitate” nailed to their door.old people

Daniel Tosh

You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.old people

Bob Hope

I went to an old people’s home and there was an old lady with a zimmer frame. I said to her, “Do you know who I am?” She said, “Ask the matron and she’ll tell you.”old people

Frank Carson

If you mention the idea of homebirth to someone of an older generation, they’re always instantly mistrustful. But that’s just a generational thing, like racism and never indicating.old people

Miles Jupp

Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle.old people

Bob Hope

You know you’re getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It’s like, “See if you can blow this out.”old people

Jerry Seinfeld

My grandfather is always saying that in the old days people could leave their back doors open. Which is probably why his submarine sank.old people

Milton Jones

My grandfather was a small claims court jester.jobsold peoplesurreal

Steven Wright

One time my grandmother said, “Steven come over here. Here’s $5 and don’t tell your mother I’m giving this to you.” I said, “It’ll cost you more than that!”old people

Steven Wright

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