Animal Jokes

We all love animals, and we love animal jokes. Here is my selection of some of the best.

Boy George swore he’d never have another pet reptile when he was bitten, but he’s changed his mind after finding a calmer chameleon.celebrityanimals

@IHPower

I’m a responsible dog owner. My dog is extremely responsible.animals

Tony Cowards

If you have a cat and get covered in cat hair, here’s a tip.
Get some sellotape… and wrap it around your cat.animalstips

Adam Bloom

Did you know the collective noun for ducks is a paddle if they’re in water, a flight if they’re in the air, and a starter if they’re in a pancake?animals

Alexander Armstrong

“I’ve got your back!” – me to a fat hairy gorillaanimalspuns

@TheNardvark

Apparently pig’s ears were supposed to look completely different.animalspuns

@cluedont

The cat has just coughed up furballs all over the carpet. I wouldn’t mind but Furballs was our hamster.animals

@RobinFlavell

Rabbit hutch sellers; they’ll give you a run for your money.animalspuns

@LittleLostLad

Cats are just dogs who’ve been to drama school.animals

Jack Dee

I love dogs… Not as much as Koreans though… I REALLY love Koreans.animalscountries

Rich Allen

When my dog has his friends over, I’m going to fart and quietly leave the room so he knows how it feels.animals

@Douchekevin

Took my parrot to the vet’s because he’d stopped eating freshwater fish. Soon spotted the problem: he was off his perch.animalspuns

@MooseAllain

Thousands of kangaroos are killed on the roads in Australia every year. I think their feet are just too big for the pedals…animals

Danny Bhoy

Ugh. An insect just flew into my ear. Huge, ugly flapping thing. No wonder the insect flew into it.animals

@MooseAllain

I got a parrot; the parrot talked. But it did not say, “I’m hungry.” So it died.animalssurreal

Mitch Hedberg

So I went to the dentist. He said, “Say aaah.” I said, “Why?” He said, “My dog’s died.”animalsmedical

Tim Vine

I find that a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced over whether or not I have bread.animals

Mitch Hedberg

Dogs are forever in the push-up position.animals

Mitch Hedberg

I spilled spot remover on my dog. He’s gone now.animalspuns

Steven Wright

I found our cat the other day. I would have found him a week ago, but we have a grass bag on our lawnmower.animals

Emo Philips

My parents used to take me to the pet department and tell me it was a zoo.animals

Billy Connolly

I remember sitting in psychology class learning about Pavlov, thinking “Those stupid dogs.” Then the bell went and we all had lunch.animals

Gary Delaney

Whenever I see a dalmatian I say, “What number are you?”animals

Steven Wright

It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.animalssurreal

Bill Bailey

Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog it’s too dark to read.animals

Groucho Marx

One morning I shot an elephant in my pyjamas. How he got into my pyjamas I’ll never know.animals

Groucho Marx

Black Beauty. Now there’s a dark horse!animalspuns

Tim Vine

I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah. I thought, “He’s trying to pull a fast one.”animalspuns

Tim Vine

So I went into a pet shop. I said, “Can I buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?” I said, “I don’t care what star sign it is.”animalspuns

Tim Vine

Pretend you’re a cat by head-butting your family until they feed you, then ignoring them.animals

@swissss

Cats. You’re at home all day. How about giving the place a bit of a tidy?animals

@filthyburger

When I was 5 years old, my teacher asked me if I wanted to take the school guineau pig home. 7 months later, I arrived in the African republic of Guineau.animalscountries

Milton Jones

I was such an ugly kid that when I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.animals

Rodney Dangerfield

I saw a dog in a cage. And that cage had a sign on it that said, “I bite.” And I was like, “That is good to know doggy, but that’s not the most important thing about you. You should make a sign that says, “I make signs.”animals

Doug Benson

As a kid I was made to walk the plank. We couldn’t afford a dog.animals

Gary Delaney

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