Joan Rivers Jokes

The best Joan Rivers jokes, quotes and one-liners taken from her long career as a comedian.

Joan Rivers

Joan Rivers




The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider


I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house and she said, “Get the hell off my property!”misc


I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again!misc


I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was, “The man goes on top and the woman underneath.” For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds!sex


I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.medical


I wish I had a twin so I could know what I’d look like without plastic surgery.medical


Don’t talk to me about Valentines Day. At my age an affair of the heart is a bypass.medicalvalentines


My best birth control now is just to leave the lights