Jerry Seinfeld Jokes

The best Jerry Seinfeld jokes, quotes, tweets and one-liners.

Jerry Seinfeld

Name
Jerry Seinfeld

Profession
Stand-up comedian, actor and writer

Nationality
American

Links
jerryseinfeld.com
@JerrySeinfeld

A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.family

 

Marriage is like a game of chess except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.marriage

 

Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women – a little bit of support, and a little bit of freedom.menwomen

 

Men don’t care what’s on TV. They only care what else is on TV.men

 

“He died in his death bed.” I always read that in the paper. Why would you even buy a bed like that? Where is that section in the furniture store?misc

 

I have a problem with that silver medal. It’s like “Congratulations, you almost won… You are the number one loser.”sport

 

The luge is the only sport I’ve ever seen that you could have people competing in it against their will and it would be exactly the same.observationalsport

 

It’s amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.observational

 

I don’t know why they cook on TV. I can’t smell it. Can’t eat it. Can’t taste it. The end of the show they hold it up to the camera, “Well, here it is. You can’t have any. Thanks for watching. Goodbye.”observational

 

I wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup.misc

 

You know you’re getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It’s like, “See if you can blow this out.”old people

 

There is no such thing as fun for the whole family.family

 

Somebody just gave me a shower radio. Thanks a lot! Do you really want music in the shower? I guess there’s no better place to dance than a slick surface next to a glass door.observational

 

More Jokes…

If you like Jerry Seinfeld jokes, you’ll also like these:

Jim Gaffigan
Brian Regan