Jerry Seinfeld Jokes

The best Jerry Seinfeld jokes, quotes, tweets and one-liners.

Jerry Seinfeld

Jerry Seinfeld

Stand-up comedian, actor and writer



A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for


Marriage is like a game of chess except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.marriage


Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women – a little bit of support, and a little bit of freedom.menwomen


Men don’t care what’s on TV. They only care what else is on


“He died in his death bed.” I always read that in the paper. Why would you even buy a bed like that? Where is that section in the furniture store?misc


I have a problem with that silver medal. It’s like “Congratulations, you almost won… You are the number one loser.”sport


The luge is the only sport I’ve ever seen that you could have people competing in it against their will and it would be exactly the same.observationalsport


It’s amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.observational


I don’t know why they cook on TV. I can’t smell it. Can’t eat it. Can’t taste it. The end of the show they hold it up to the camera, “Well, here it is. You can’t have any. Thanks for watching. Goodbye.”observational


I wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup.misc


You know you’re getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It’s like, “See if you can blow this out.”old people


There is no such thing as fun for the whole


Somebody just gave me a shower radio. Thanks a lot! Do you really want music in the shower? I guess there’s no better place to dance than a slick surface next to a glass door.observational


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