Funny Jokes and One-liners

More funny jokes and one-liners from professional comedians, top amateurs and hilarious twitter accounts.

I don’t have any friends to share my video game screenshots with… Because I play video games.misc

@MikeDrucker

New research suggests having an annoying song in your head means you secretly like it, and that scientists are getting funding too easily.misc

@haveigotnews

There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman. So in answer to your question – probably a bird…misc

@_daniel_parkin_

If university taught me one thing, then it was a waste of money.misc

@rhysjamesy

Joined a gym halfway between work and home, just so I’d have a locker to store snacks in.misc

@WilliamAder

When I’m lying on my deathbed, my one big regret will be that I’m lying on my deathbed.misc

Unknown

I bought myself a diver’s watch a couple of years ago… It’s got a shark-resistant strap… I have to say if all he wants is your watch it’s best to let him have it.misc

Simon Evans

Nostalgia. How long has that been around?misc

Bill Bailey

I can’t wait to start procrastinating.misc

@AshleyBDZ

I’m paranoid AND needy. I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.misc

@sixthformpoet

At school the other kids used to push me around and call me lazy. I loved that wheelchair.misc

Stewart Francis

I used to buy lottery tickets every week until I realised you can watch it on TV for nothing.misc

Jimmy Carr

Just been told off for pulling funny faces on the train. I guess some people don’t like being touched first thing in the morning.misc

@cluedont

Ironically, the National Portrait Gallery is actually wider than it is tall.misc

Tony Cowards

I’m trying to do things I have never done. Like I recently went to 3 different ballets. And I loved trying to learn how to like those a little bit.misc

Brian Regan

Just had a near death experience. I was metres away when this dude got hit by a train.misc

Iain Stirling

I said to a guy, “What is it about cocaine that is so wonderful?” He said, “Well, it intensifies your personality.” And I said, “Yes, but what if you’re an asshole?”misc

Bill Cosby

I was home last week. I heard a gunshot outside my apartment, then I saw 2 guys run by my window. I was going to call the police, but then I got optimistic – I said, “Hey, maybe it’s just a race.”misc

Mitch Hedberg

I like to play blackjack. I’m not addicted to gambling – I’m addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.misc

Mitch Hedberg

I went to buy a candle-holder but the store didn’t have one. So I got a cake.misc

Mitch Hedberg

I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, “Dude, you have to wait!”misc

Mitch Hedberg

I got a genuine chainsaw… this thing would cut your leg off so fast you’d have time to go “oops” before you screamed.misc

Mike Wilmot

Once I beat up the school bully with a baseball bat. Both his arms were completely broken. Which is what gave me the courage to do it.misc

Emo Philips

I loaned a friend of mine $8000 for plastic surgery, and now I don’t know what he looks like.misc

Emo Philips

I worry about ridiculous things. You know, how does a guy who drives a snow plough get to work in the morning? That can keep me awake for days.misc

Billy Connolly

I took a speed reading course and my speed shot up to 43 pages a minute, but my comprehension plummeted.misc

Brian Regan

“He died in his death bed.” I always read that in the paper. Why would you even buy a bed like that? Where is that section in the furniture store?misc

Jerry Seinfeld

I seen a sign that said, “Have you seen this man?” So I phoned up and I said, “No.”misc

Kevin Bridges

I’m still a bit shaken up. I was involved in quite a violent mugging the other day. On the plus side I did make a few quid.misc

Gary Delaney

I had a survey done on my house. Eight out of ten people said they really rather liked it.misc

Jimmy Carr

Whenever I think about the past it just brings back so many memories.misc

Steven Wright

I like it when people act shocked because somebody has tattoos all over them. “Why would you do that? What do you think you’re gonna look like at 90?” Nobody that’s covered in tattoos will ever live to see 90!misc

Daniel Tosh

I was walking in the park and this guy waved at me. Then he said, “I’m sorry I thought you were someone else.” I said, “I am!”misc

Demetri Martin

What a hotel I’m in. Lovely dressing gown behind the door. Soft fluffy towels and lovely sheets. Took me half an hour to get my suitcase closed.misc

Frank Carson

I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it.misc

Groucho Marx

Three blind mice walk into a pub. They are all unaware of their surroundings, so to derive humour from it would be exploitative.misc

Bill Bailey

I enjoy using the comedy technique of self-deprecation – but I’m not very good at it.misc

Arnold Brown

I never forget a face, but in your case I’d be glad to make an exception.misc

Groucho Marx

People are hiding money offshore and you’ve got to really know what you’re doing with that. ‘Cos I fell out of the boat 6 times.misc

Milton Jones

This bloke said to me, “Tim, as a young boy, was your mother very strict with you?” I said, “Let me make one thing absolutely clear. My mother was never a young boy.”misc

Tim Vine

Never pick a fight with an ugly person, they’ve got nothing to lose.misc

Robin Williams

It’s easy to distract fat people. It’s a piece of cake.misc

Chris Addison

When someone close to you dies, move seats.misc

Jimmy Carr

Burglars are getting very clever now, aren’t they? I was in bed last night – my wife woke me up “Darling wake up, I think there’s a burglar downstairs. Can you go and check?” So I got out of bed, I went downstairs and I checked in every room. There was nobody there. And then suddenly I remembered – I haven’t got a wife! So I dashed back upstairs but it was too late – the bed had gone.misc

Tim Vine

I must say I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a good book.misc

Groucho Marx

Three blokes go into a pub. Something happens. The outcome is hilarious!misc

Bill Bailey

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house and she said, “Get the hell off my property!”misc

Joan Rivers

I wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup.misc

Jerry Seinfeld

Why do they call it rush hour, when nothing moves?misc

Robin Williams

Years ago I used to supply Filofaxes for the Mafia. Yes, I was involved in very organised crimemisc

Milton Jones

I saw a bank that said, “24 Hour Banking” But I don’t have that much time.misc

Steven Wright

We live in uncaring society. I was in the park the other day watching an old man feed the birds, and after a while I thought to myself, “I wonder how long he’s been dead.”misc

Milton Jones

I don’t think I could stab somebody, ‘cos I’m really bad at a Capri Sun.misc

Daniel Tosh

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again!misc

Joan Rivers

I was having dinner with my boss and his wife and she said to me, “How many potatoes would you like Tim?” I said, “Ooh I’ll just have one please.” She said, “It’s OK, you don’t have to be polite.” “Alright” I said, “I’ll just have one then, you stupid cow!”misc

Tim Vine

Our house was so cold we put the milk in the fridge to stop it freezing.misc

Les Dawson

I was at a bar the other day. It doesn’t matter which because I’m lying.misc

Louis CK

I was driving down the street 100mph for no reason. The police stopped me for speeding. They said, “Why were you going so fast?” I said, “Why? I had my foot to the floor. It sends more gas through the carburettor – makes the engine go faster. The whole car just takes off like that.”misc

Steven Wright

I’m so far behind with the mortgage repayments that the arrears are written in Latin.misc

Les Dawson

When I was young, my mum used to put food on a spoon and say, “There’s a train coming. There’s a train coming.” We’d always eat it because we knew that if we didn’t she wouldn’t untie us from the railway line.misc

Milton Jones

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.misc

George Carlin

Whoever stole my shoes while I was on that bouncy castle needs to grow up.misc

@sixthformpoet

When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.misc

Rodney Dangerfield

I ran 3 miles today. Finally I said, “Lady, take your purse.”misc

Emo Philips

Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes, the reason is you’re stupid and make bad decisions.misc

Louis CK

I don’t stop eating when I’m full. The meal isn’t over when I’m full. It’s over when I hate myself.misc

Louis CK

You’ve got to be optimistic to be single. Stupid. You have to be stupid. That’s what optimistic means, you know? It means stupid. An optimist is somebody who goes, “Hey, maybe something nice will happen.”misc

Louis CK

Having a coffee watching people go by the window. Everyone that passes looks so depressed. They must be, this coffee shop is two floors up.misc

@ReeceShearsmith

Do you ever get so broke that the bank starts charging you money for not having enough money?misc

Louis CK

Money wise I’m set for life – provided I die next Tuesday.misc

Stewart Francis

If you can’t beat them, arrange to have them beaten.misc

George Carlin

Have you heard about the evil group of men who control all the world’s cheese? The hallouminati.misc

Nick Helm

My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance – We’ll see about that!misc

Stewart Francis

A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.misc

George Carlin

When you meet somebody for the first time, you’re not meeting them. You’re meeting their representative.misc

Chris Rock

I don’t like country music, but I don’t mean to denigrate those who do. And for the people who like country music, denigrate means “put down”.misc

Bob Newhart

Soft rock music isn’t rock, and it ain’t music. It’s just soft.misc

George Carlin

I live by the busiest road in London, which is very polluted. I took up smoking recently and my cough got better.misc

Richard Ayoade

My biggest disappointment in Friends was when Joey’s mum turned up and she wasn’t a kangaroo.misc

@NickMotown

A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day. She said, “Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?” I said, “All right, but we won’t get much done.”misc

Jimmy Carr

If you like these funny jokes, have a look at the jokes index for even more laughs.