Daniel Tosh Jokes

The best Daniel Tosh jokes, quotes, tweets and one-liners.

Daniel Tosh

Name
Daniel Tosh

Profession
Standup Comedian

Nationality
American

Links
danieltosh.com
@danieltosh

Do you think it’s trendy for young kids in Japan to get tattoos of words written in English?countries

 

I couldn’t care less how long it takes her to get ready. That’s just less time I have to spend with her horrible friends pretending I don’t want to kill myself.girlfriends

 

I don’t even know how old my grandparents are but I know they should be dead. And trust me they don’t want to be alive either – there’s not a welcome mat at their front unit… there’s a “Do Not Resuscitate” nailed to their door.old people

 

The mormons base their entire life on a religion that’s old enough for my dad to be like, “Oh yeah – that’s not true! That didn’t happen.”religion

 

You ever hear girls say that? “I’m not religious, but I’m spiritual.” I like to reply with “I’m not honest, but you’re interesting!”religion

 

I like it when people act shocked because somebody has tattoos all over them. “Why would you do that? What do you think you’re gonna look like at 90?” Nobody that’s covered in tattoos will ever live to see 90!misc

 

Somebody bought me a Snuggie as a joke gift. Ha – the joke’s on you – I enjoy it!christmas

 

The winter olympics are pointless. I assume the only reason we have them is so white people feel relevant in sports.sport

 

I don’t think I could stab somebody, ‘cos I’m really bad at a Capri Sun.misc

 

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